Everybody hurts, sometimes …

Daisy Vision Counselling can help if you're hurting
In the popular R.E.M.song, the lyrics "everybody hurts, sometimes" refer to everybody feeling the pain of hurting sometimes, but these words could also be used to refer to everybody hurting someone else, by inflicting the pain on them. As seen in the book “HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE” by Sandra D Wilson Ph.D.(2001), once someone has been hurt, this in turn causes them to hurt others, often subconsciously or unintentionally. It is also worth noting that it is often the person that they love the most that they hurt.

It's true that "everybody hurts, sometimes ..."

... but some people hurt more than others, and so some people hurt others more. This can be the case as we form relationships as adults and even as we become parents, and damage that has been done to us, in our formative years, can cause us to cause hurt others, often in similar ways. It also continues to hurt us at the same time. This can even be the case in loving relationships, where parents think the world of their children and are trying to give them a happy and secure upbringing or in loving marriages or partnerships.

We are often unaware of the ways in which we hurt others

We may wonder why we have clashes at times, with someone we really love, and may even think it’s the other person’s fault when it’s in fact us that’s causing the problem. Our own insecurities may cause us to react to situations, in an irrational way, which can be damaging to our relationship. We may even blame the other person when we over-react, not realising that it actually may be ourselves at fault. However, recognising this is not about who is to blame, but more about looking at why we react the way we do and seeing if we can prevent it from happening.

An example of hurting someone as a result of being hurt:

We may have been brought up in a happy family, with both parents present and with our siblings, and wonder what can possibly be wrong with that. However, suppose we felt the need to be accepted and loved by one of our parents by performing well, maybe at school, in learning a skill such as playing a musical instrument, etc. Suppose that our parent wasn’t good at showing emotions, and didn’t show us love other ways, and we felt their love and approval was dependent on our achievements. This could have caused us hurt, if we didn’t perform well, or manage to please them by our achievements. This could in turn, cause us to form an unhealthy need to reach perfection, putting us under immense pressure as a child, but then becoming part of our values as an adult.
When someone is a ‘perfectionist’ and they strive in all they do to reach 100%, one thing they really struggle with, is taking criticism. They can’t bare to think they’re failing to reach their goal, and therefore risk not being accepted and loved. This can then lead to defensive behaviour, at the merest hint of a criticism, even if it isn’t intended that way. You may now see that this can cause tension in a relationship, and even arguments. So, relationship difficulties in adult life, can even be a result of being hurt in some way as a child, even if unintentional, and so someone that has been hurt then can hurt another person, often the one they love most, causing damage to a precious relationship.
Of course, this doesn’t necessarily have the immense consequences that being physically or sexually abused as a child has on someone, as they become an adult and forming relationships, but nevertheless, it stills hurts both parties.

Counselling to help deal with the pain of being hurt

In my role as a counsellor, I help people with damaged relationships to talk about their associated thoughts and feelings, something they’ve often bottled up, or may even come out in angry outbursts. Just being able to talk to someone, who will take time to listen, who will understand from their perspective, and will not judge them for any resulting behaviour, can, in itself, be an enormous relief.

A trusting, therapeutic relationship

I realise that it may not be easy to express thoughts and feelings at first, but my counselling is based on forming a warm, therapeutic relationship with my clients, in which trust is formed, enabling them to talk about their hurt. I realise this can take time, especially when someone has suffered the break-down of a relationship with someone in whom they put their trust, but I allow my clients to go at their own pace.

Help to find the cause of the hurt

Sometimes, it helps to look at my client’s past relationships, with parents, in particular, to see if they are still hurting from something from their childhood, which is now causing them difficulty in adult life. Sometimes circumstances beyond anyone’s control can cause hurt, but, having some understanding of that can help come to terms with it. This in turn, can help in seeing things from a different perspective, and may even lead to being able to make changes in our values and beliefs, our self-image, and improving our lives and present and future relationships, as a result.

"Hold on ...."

So, if you’re hurt, and feeling like you can’t cope with life, “hold on” – you may be able to turn to your friends for help, but, if not, you could try counselling.
By helping people address their own hurt, I hope to prevent others from being hurt too.

A Daisy Vision Reference

Although I have not known Daryl and Yvonne in a professional counselling relationship, I have been blessed to know them as very close friends for 7 years now.

Having travelled a very painful and difficult journey, in my own life, over that time, I could not imagine more safe, loving, genuine and trustworthy people to share my journey with, as I have found in this beautiful Christian couple.
I have been able to safely share my heart with Yvonne, holding nothing back, and come through to much healing as a result. Her love for God and deep compassion for those who are finding life immensely difficult are two things I very much value about her.
She is an excellent listener, patient, and able to put people immediately at ease. I want to assure anyone thinking of coming to her for counselling, that you will be in safe hands.
Both her, and Daryl, have blessed me extensively during times when my heart has felt irredeemably broken and shattered, and they have also been the first people to rejoice with me over many, little-by-little, victories in my life (the significance of which many would have no idea of the true magnitude of).
Although I know they will not force their faith on anyone who is not wanting to avail of it, and will be amazingly good counsellors to Christians and non-believers alike, I see their love for God as something very precious, that for me has deeply impacted my life, in an immensely beautiful way since I first came to know them.
For me personally, I am certain I could  not have come through to the place of freedom, life and joy that I have recently started to experience (after years of walking in the footsteps of immense trauma) without first having had safe, patient and consistent help, to be able to see the truth of just how much God loves me, and in using His unchangeable Word to replace the deeply-rooted lies, that I had unknowingly believed about myself, for so long.
For all who are recognising that something needs to change, but not knowing where you can safely take a first step toward that, I want to encourage you that Daryl and Yvonne are definitely, very safe and genuine people, who I believe you will very easily come to trust and feel at ease with.
Joanna (South Yorkshire)

 

cartooon bus

Two Tickets to Ride!

Just like you, we’ve been on a long journey to get to where we are now. As Christians, we’ve read the Bible and prayed to God, to lead and direct our path. In our minds, however, being ambitious and focused, we want to hop on the fast train, the one that goes from A to B without even stopping at C along the way. We’ve wanted then to roll up our sleeves and get stuck into all God has called us to do, to run the race and grasp the prize!

Our God, however, had different plans for our journey. He’d specially prepared a bus, not just any bus, but the one that goes around the houses, picking up others along the way. Some hop on and after a brief rest, hop off again, getting back to their day. Some climb on carrying heavy baggage, then slump into a seat, staring into space, for the entire journey. Sometimes, someone sits with us for part of the journey and we strike up a conversation. We chat together, listening, as they share their journey, whilst we chug through the countryside and into the suburbs. The ride feels a little easier, lighter, as we talk together, our conversation as diverse and varied as the journey itself. Sometimes we stand and offer our seats to those less able than ourselves, whilst hanging on to the straps and feeling the force of every bend in the road.
Our bus shakes and rattles as it wends and grinds it’s way over hills and through dales, stopping to wait as school children are shepherded across the road, with the flash of a lollipop, into the school gates. It stops again, at roadworks, whilst a man in a high-vis vest waves a digger into the road, then back onto the verge again. It feels like we are running way behind schedule and yet we arrive at each stop at precisely the right moment.
CLICK, CLICK, CLICK… our bus is just pulling into a stop now! It’s been hailed by a lone individual, stood holding their bags, at the road-side. Will it be you that climbs aboard? Will you come and sit on the seat by me? I’m glad I didn’t just catch that ‘fast train’!